unplanted

forkbiters, etc.

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My roommate, Charlie, is sitting across the room, munching on almonds (I think that’s what he has anyway) and a little bit ago, he was kind enough to ask if his crunching was becoming annoying. I hadn’t even noticed it, really. (I’m listening to Coldplay and paying much more attention to Chris Martin’s beautful voice to be bothered by random chewing.) All the same, we had an ultra brief conversation on how annoying smackers and forkbiters can be. And I thought it might be nice to follow said conversation with a list of things that irritate me (given that I am feeling most irritated by worldly things at the mo and need to do some venting). So, without further adieu, here is my list o’ things that drive me nutty:

1. Smackers, especially those in close proximity.
2. Those who fail to recognize my need for 18 inches of body space.
3. Double dippers. (With sharable food only. You got your own salsa, you have every right to double dip.)
4. Tailgaters (I’m thinking in terms of traffic, not sports).
5. Those who cut me off in traffic.
6. Those who honk at me when I cut them off. (Yes, my road rage is, in some ways, a direct result of my own double standards.)
7. The smell of olives.
8. Discussions about eyeballs.
9. Forkbiters. (I was once a forkbiter, but learned by my father’s hand to change my ways.)
10. Improperly used semi-colons.
11. Improperly used sentence fragments.
12. Sentences that begin with the word ‘although’.
13. People who don’t return phone calls.
14. Posturing of any sort.
15. Fingernails on chalkboards.
16. The sound of fingernails drumming on anything.
17. Having the TV and the stereo on at the same time.
18. Wrestling (WWF type–my ex was a big fan).
19. Failure to acknowledge the fact that words can be improperly used. (Again, I blame this one on my ex.)
20. Woody Allen (as a person, not as a writer or director).
21. Stupid questions. (Especially of the personal nature.)
22. Heaters that are slow to heat up.
23. People who use leashes on their children.
24. Children who need leashes.
25. Loud talkers.
26. Girls who talk with a valley girl accent ALL THE TIME.
27. (Unintentionally) cold coffee.
28. Burnt anything.
29. Tardiness (myself included).
30. Large crowds.
31. Being accidentally touched by strangers in large crowds.
32. Heat. (Pretty much anything about 82 degrees)
33. Puerto Rico.
34. Milk that expires on my birthday.
35. People who speak loudly in libraries.
36. The fact that libraries often close early.
37. The fact that I have problems returning library books, and movies to their respective places on time.
38. Things between my toes (though I have, recently, begun to wear flip flops and tolerate it pretty well).
39. Political banter.
40. Republicans.
41. Republican banter.
42. The fact that I’m pushing myself to make this list reach 100.
43. The fact that I’m thinking about creating a list of things that don’t annoy me just for the sake of fairness.
44. Sitting next to strangers on the bus.
45. Body odor (see above).
46. The phrase ‘reality check.’
47. Wet Willies (but I love to give them!)
48. My own procrastination. Thus, this list.
49. When people use my text before theirs in responses to my e-mails.
50. Licorice.
51. Being told something isn’t licorice when it is.
52. The fact that some people actually care who marries who in Hollywood.
53. Unnecessary repetition.
54. Feline behavior.
55. Stubbing my toes.
56. Scraping the surface of my fingernails.
57. The very concept of lactation.
58. Overly yappy dogs (while yapping).
59. Algebra.
60. Geometry.
61. Math in general.
62. Required experience.
63. Management (especially upper).
64. Gene Wilder’s hair.
65. The phrase “how’d he turn gay?”
66. The South.
67. The fact that I am from the south.
68. Salsa music.
69. People who tell other people to smile.
70. Most of Corvallis, Oregon.
71. Having no choice but to sit in the middle row on an airplane.
72. Narrow-mindedness.
73. When people don’t use spell check.

Ugh. That’s enough for now. I’m quite surprised that I got this far. All the same, I’m quite thankful that I didn’t take the time to rank my annoyances. I’m not sure which annoys me most–Woody Allen or having things between my toes.

Okay, time for me to get back to ye olde job search.

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Author: Kim Sharp

more later

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