unplanted

when shit goes down the toilet

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Okay, let’s make one thing clear: This is not about my poo. I don’t (usually) wrote about poo, nor do I enjoy reading about it. That said, I promise to never post poo-related stories here.

What this is about, however, is the stuff that’s fallen in my toilet, the stuff I’ve had to fish out. (Oh, come on, you know you’ve done it, too.)

My cousin used to stop up his toilet with He-Man’s enemies. I suppose he felt that they belonged there. If I had a Skeletor action figure, I’d probably try to flush him, too. Gargamel, too, for that matter. He was never nice to those Smurfs.

My mom once dropped the phone in the toilet–while I was talking to her. It wasn’t until months later that I learned that the phone survived the sploosh and is still, as far as I know anyway, in use. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Once I dropped a quarter in the toilet and, realizing that it is not worth twenty-five cents to reach in to the, I flushed until the thing finally disappeared. It took a few weeks, but it finally went down.

Then there was the time–a couple of summers ago–that I dropped a jar of rubber cement in my toilet. No–I don’t do arts and crafts in the bathroom. It just so happened that my rubber cement was kept in the linnen closet, which just so happened to be right next to the bathroom. It seemed like a good idea at the time to use the bathroom counter as the flat surface where I could seal a box BMG had sent me. Guess I was wrong on that one. Somehow or another, the jar (which happened to be uncapped and full) got knocked into the toilet, made a great sploosh and spilled its contents into the water. My first reaction, of course, was to reach in and save the poor jar (can’t just let it stay in there forever, you know). What ended up with was a relatively empty jar and an arm covered in toilet water and rubber cement. Bot substances dried pretty quickly so I was left to scrub the stuff off my arm with fingernail polish remover and shave off the tacky arm hair.

I won’t tell you what I dropped in there today, but I will tell you that I’m getting quite good at retrieving objects from the john. Just another of my many talents, I suppose.

And speaking of talents, have I ever shown you my strange finger tricks?

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Author: Kim Sharp

more later

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