hi. my name is matt, and i’m an asshole

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So this is how it all started:

There’s a strip of lawn between my house and my neighbor’s that’s, oh, about six feet wide.  There’s no discernible easement, nor a fence.  This is the place where Petey does his business. 

On rare occasion, I go a day or two without picking up the resulting product of Petey’s business.   Never more than a couple days, though. 

So there’s the set-up.

On Tuesday last, I got home pretty late after the Renny Christopher event.  There was a note on my door, and something on the welcome mat.   In the dark and distance, I thought it was a package. 

It wasn’t.

It was a piece of cardboard, with two days worth of dog poop on top.

The note, taped to my door with a return address label, said, ‘Please stop letting your dog crap on my yard.  Matt’

I threw the note and the poop away and fumed for two whole days.

I had this idea to send Matt a card, one with a blank inside and a peace symbol on the front.  A tiny smear of doggie doo on the inside. 

But I didn’t.  I chose to rise above Matt’s childish, passive aggressive play.  I ignored it and, from then on, made a silent vow to pick up Petey’s droppings when they are fresh and warm.  Again I feel the need to stress that this is something I do normally do.  

A week passed.  The lawn remained trimmed and free of poo.

On Tuesday morning, I took Petey out for his morning dookie dump.  And there was Matt (who I’ve only seen once before in the two years I’ve lived here.)  Here’s how our conversation went:

Matt: [petting Petey, who has run to him for scritches and scratches]  He’s getting big.

Me: Yeah.   Come here, Petey.

Long, awkward pause.

Me: Hey, I’m sorry about that poop.  I guess I slack–

Matt: No biggie.

Me: -ed off for a…

Matt: I know it’s a big chore.

Me: …couple days.

Exit Matt, stage left.

Me: [inside my head]  What I was trying to say, you big jerk, is that yes, I did slack off on my Poop Patrol for a couple days, and thanks for picking it up for me.  I appreciate that.  As you said, it can be a big chore, and I do appreciate you taking it on.  Rather than leaving the poop on my doorstep,though,  you might have instead left the note, requesting that I be more responsible and respect our social boundaries by taking care to clean up after my dog.  I wouldn’t have minded that.    But that’s not what you did, is it, Matt?  Noooo.  You had to be a BIG JERK and go one step too far. So poop on you, Matt.  Poop on you.

And don’t walk away from me while I’m thinking about what I should say to  you.

Author: Kim Sharp

more later

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